The Philippines: Very "Pleasing"...

The realization that we had 10 days allotted for the Philippines was a bit of a shock. What the hell were we going to do there for all that time?? With the benefit of hindsight I now know that I could happily have spent triple that amount of time there. My original lofty plan was to travel to the "Last Frontier" of the Philippines, Palawan. However, the prospect of the extra faff involved in getting there and the fact that electricity on the island is cut off at 9pm lead us down the path of least resistance for a lovely beach and dive sites. Hello Boracay!

A couple of days in Manila were first though. A city with a face only a mother could love and aromas not experienced since La Paz, but still interesting to wander around. Even the most inauspicious little restaurants and office buildings were guarded by men with guns as big as themselves, and every 4th building seemed an Entertainment Theatre, all on a recruitment drive for "18 year old girls with pleasing personality". Well, quite.

Watching a few minutes of local TV made the premium placed on physical perfection obvious. According to adverts selling various lotions, potions and treatments, if you aren't tall, thin, with long legs, a fulsome bosom and thick lustrous hair you may as well drag your ugly ass into a ditch and wait quietly to expire. So much for a pleasing personality...

The Filipino people love to sing, with a particular fondness for power ballads. Wherever there is a radio playing there are people singing along. To pass the time before the flight to Boracay I was perusing the display of pencil cases in the only shop in the airport. Aerosmith's "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" came on the radio and the girl behind the till joined in with much enthusiasm and emotion. I stayed for the whole performance, mostly because I was enchanted with her free-form changing of the lyrics, particularly the chorus: "I miss you baby, and I don't want to miss my shoes!". Indeed, who would?

Arrival on Boracay Island and a bewildering array of short hop transport legs dumped us on the famed White Beach: 7km long and apparently where the island got it's name from. The consistency of the soft white sand is said to be like cotton, the local word for cotton is "borac". With an unerring instinct for substandard accommodation we cheerfully checking into the Orchids Resort for a week. The disappointment was incremental:
Day 1: Hotel breakfast gave me food poisoning
Day 2: Noisy and early morning renovation work begins on the other rooms
Day 3: Becomes obvious that the room will not be cleaned
Day 4: Smell of mould becomes omnipresent
Day 5: Insect population boom in bathroom
Day 6: Mystery monster noises at 4am
However, I really didn't care as just outside the hotel was this:The Filipino people of Boracay were a joy: friendly, polite and helpful. Even the beach touts flogging blag watches, genuine pearl earrings and boat trips didn't hassle you and were generally very laid back. Apparently it's an effing nightmare during high season though! It was a week of relaxing in the sun, swimming in the deliciously warm waters of the Sulu Sea, reading, drinking cheap rum & cokes and watching glorious sunsets.

After a very bad scuba diving experience in the Galapagos (of the negative entry, strong current, "oh my god I'm going to die down here" variety) I finally faced my fear and booked a Scuba Review course at a 5 star dive place - Calypso. This basically involved a dive instructor (the lovely Jade) gently and patiently taking me through things I already knew but needed a confidence boost on in a controlled pool environment. He dealt with my slightly scary intenseness very well - Q: "YOU'RE NOT JUST GOING TO F*CK OFF AND LEAVE ME DOWN THERE ALONE ARE YOU??" A: "Relaaaaaaaaax".

Despite rising panic my good soldier instinct kicked in, I did as I was told and before I knew it I was rolling backwards off a speedboat and into the deep (well, 24.4 meters). It was a wall dive and with Jade's help I was relaxed enough to enjoy the experience and the sights. I did get the fear though when I spent too long looking up at the wall and the life teeming above me, but just looked at a clown fish grooving around in some soft coral until I calmed down. Another demon slayed - RAH!

Another lazy day followed, but gave myself some sport by snarling at Old Man Sex Tourists smugly parading around with the young and pretty Filipino girls. I understand that if everyone is of a legal age then both sides are getting someting they want out of the deal, but I still find it terribly distasteful. Look at that, I have some moral fiber! Next day another dive, and an amazing one at that. Amongst other things, saw loads of beautiful coral, stingray, lionfish, scorpion fish and frog fish. Really enjoyed it and didn't have to cling on to Jade's hand once!

On the last night on Boracay we dined at Hobbit House. Yes, the front of house staff was entirely made up of dwarves and midgets. So many people didn't even bother to eat have a drink there, just get their photo taken with the Persons Of Restricted Growth out front. I even saw two Buddhist monks having a snap taken, so although they obviously had no worried about the effect this may have on their karma, all that was going through my head was "Exploitation, exploitation, exploitation!". Paul had no such concerns.
Repaired one last time to the Red Pirates beach bar for a night cap in the pillow pit. I have been to some fantastic drinking establishments in my lifetime: sophisticated city cocktail lounges, cozy country pubs, grand and imposing establishment bars, seedy dives, the Littlest Bar and plenty of relaxed beach bars, but this place beats the lot. The combination of location, effortlessly cool and tranquil decor & ambiance, laid back staff, a drinks menu totally 6 items and 2 sleepy ginger cats on the bar put it in a category all its own.
I fell in love with Boracay down that raffish end of the beach and now I can finally see how and why people "drop out" of the socially acceptable norms of decently paid 9-5 job, mortgage, shiny car and half a dose of happiness at the weekends. I will return to the Philippines and Boracay, I highly recommend you do so too. And in return for a flight ticket there I might even show you where the Red Pirates is...