China: No Pain No Gain...

After watching a BBC report about the number of ex*cu*ions that take place in China every day, plus it's proximity to North Korea and it's provocative japes with uranium, I was a little trepidatious about visiting the PRC. However, my brother Martin and his wife Yolanda live in Shanghai so there was no way I wasn't going! (Plus, we'd already paid HK$1300 each for a sodding visa)

Shanghai is a BIG city, the biggest in the People's Republic of China and the 8th biggest city in the world. It was known as the Pearl of the Orient and it was, in its day, as a bit of a free-wheelin' den of vice. The city was occupied by the terrible British and took a bit of a beating during the Opium Wars in the 1800s. Surely the Opium Wars would have been a bit of a relaxed affair though. England: "We're going to march on the city walls and systematically destroy them... right after we smoke out and take a little nap zzzzz" China: "We will not tolerate this invasion and will retaliate viciously... but we do need to stare blankly at a spot on the wall for 3 hours".

Sorry, enough of what the world is like in my imagination. After arriving at Shanghai Pudong Airport we took the Maglev (Magnetic Levitation) train further into the city. These trains get up to terrifying speeds, 431kph to be precise, and when another one WHOOOOMFS past in the opposite direction it can make your hair stand on end a little. The Maglev line only has three stops at the moment, being more of a glorious demonstration of the PRC's advancement and fabulousness, but there are plans afoot to extend it.

After settling in to Martin and Yolanda's apartment we headed out for a spot of lunch, and far more importantly, cheongsam shopping! A cheongsam the western term for a traditional Chinese dress, however in China the dress is called a qipao and the man's traditional outfit is known as the cheongsam. The dresses used to be quite loose fitting, until the modern version of the qipao was first developed in Shanghai around 1900. It became tighter with higher splits up the side...… more tarty basically, which is no bad thing!

We walked up and down a street in the charming tree-lined old quarter that was one cheongsam shop after another. It was almost overwhelming to try to choose a design and a fabric with the vast array of options available. Each shop was full of beautiful embroidered silks in bright jewel colours and elegant ladies choosing their next gown. After choosing my fabric and design, it was time to be measured. And who doesn't love standing in a small shop feeling the size of a house while two small Chinese ladies measure the distance between your nipples? As I was being measured the ladies we discussing my measurements in a Shanghai dialect which I guess they did'’t expect Yolanda to understand. They discussed the fact that I had a nice figure and a small waist, but I "stuck out at the back". Too right I do, I mean what's the point of having a form-fitting dress if there's no form to fit to? Hmm? That's right, NO POINT! After checking with the seamstress if she had enough fabric to cover my colossal bottom the dress was ready in an astonishing 2 days, and it fit perfectly! AND it was a birthday present from Martin & Yolanda: how very, very kind.

The next day Martin took the role of tour guide and steered us round the Yu Yuan Gardens, a tranquil oasis in the middle of Shanghai. The gardens were built in the 16th century for a wealthy family in the traditional Chinese style with numerous rock and tree garden areas, ponds, dragon-lined walls and doorways and zigzag bridges separating the various garden areas and pavilions.

I must say though, I am reconsidering using the word tranquil to describe the gardens as it was quite busy with other tourists, quite a lot of whom were Chinese. The Chinese language and speech patterns are, to the Western ear, quite harsh and forceful. So what is probably a civilized exchange along the lines of "look at that beautiful ornamental pond full of carp darling" "yes dear, it's most picturesque", comes across as a loud, heated and violent bust-up.

We continued our tour of Shanghai with a stroll alongside the Huangpu River on The Bund (from the Persian word band meaning muddy embankment). In the 1940s The Bund was home to the headquarters of many of the major financial institutions operating in China so the contrast of Old Shanghai and the colonial buildings on one side of the river and the young upstart building like the easily recognizable Oriental Pearl Tower on the new Pudong side was interesting. One of the most famous Buildings on The Bund is the Peace Hotel, formerly known as the Cathay Hotel. Before 1949, the Cathay Hotel was regarded as the most prestigious hotel in Shanghai. After that the Communist Government took control of the building and was used by the Municipal Finance Committee to keep their livestock in (or something). Noel Coward wrote "Private Lives" here, so to honour the comedic and literary genius we had an overpriced sandwich on the roof terrace.

Back on The Bund we made a couple of new friends: two young guys visiting the big city. We must have seemed quite the exotic creatures to them as they were very keep to have their photographs taken with us. (Well more just me actually...) It was nice that they asked permission though, as I lost count of the number osurreptitiouslyle were sureptiously snapping me with their mobile phones.

With the guidance and ordering skillz of Yolanda we enjoyed some beautiful dishes at great restaurants. The stand out one has to be the Lion's Head and Xiao Long Bao we had at the Victorian House. Xiao Long Bao are little pork dumplings that you have to eat in a particular way otherwise you end up with hot orange-coloured oil all over your new silk cheongsam...… However I rose to the challenge because otherwise I would be turning down good food, which is unthinkable.

Yolanda also looked after our personal appearance as well: she took us to a fancy salon for a hair wash and treatment (yes, even Paul!) and also for a massage. After an hour of being thoroughly pummeled Paul expressed interest in the traditional Chinese medicine treatment of cupping, a method of drawing the impurities out of the skin. He'd had it done before by some hippy in Brookline so he thought he knew what to expect. Heh.

I stayed in the room to capture the moment on camera. Boy, was that a mistake...… First the chap gave Paul a good oiling all over his back. Then he got out a tray of about 20 glass jars the size of pint glasses. THEN he gets his massive flame-thrower out, sticks it inside one of the jars to suck out the air and create a vacuum. Jar is placed on Paul's back. Cue violent screaming and cursing. Repeat 20 times. I've never seen anything like it and felt sick to my stomach. Again, pictures illustrate things far better then I can with words:

When all the cups came off his back looked like a piece of flesh lego.

We left Shanghai for Hong Kong for a brief stopover before heading to Amsterdam. Return to the UK was just days away...